| The following anomaly took place at the Governor's | | | | And what have I been telling everybody including |
| Manison in Tallahassee when Governor Bush was | | | | the press?Gen. Turgidson |
| screening "Dr. Strangelove" for General Turgidson. | | | | (looking sheepisly at the floor) |
| The exchange may be due in part to the fact that | | | | That you don't want the job, sir.Governor Bush |
| Governor Bush was breathing through an inhaler at | | | | That's right, and if I hear you call me that one more |
| the time.Governor Bush | | | | time, I'm going to demote you-- no, I'm going to kick |
| (muffled) | | | | you out of the Florida National Guard and then you'll |
| I keep telling you, General Turgidson, I'm not the | | | | have to get a real job and won't get anybody to |
| President.Gen. Turgidson | | | | salute you. Do you understand?Gen. Turgidson |
| I'm sorry, sir, it's just that you exude so much | | | | I do, sir, and I promise you that won't be |
| authority I keep forgetting you're his kid | | | | necessary.Governor Bush |
| brother.Governor Bush | | | | Good, now please tell me how big this spaceport |
| (muffled) | | | | gap is?Gen. Turgidson |
| Stop trying to kiss up and get to the point.Gen. | | | | Well, from what I can tell, sir, we still have a chance. |
| Turgidson | | | | New Mexico is putting up $200 million to build theirs |
| Well, Governor, it looks like the Ruskies aren't the | | | | from scratch in some godforsaken desert or |
| ones we have to worry about getting civilians into | | | | something. Seems these things need a lot of space |
| space first on regularly scheduled commercial | | | | which kinda caught me by surprise. I mean, it's not |
| flights.Governor Bush pauses and turns to Turgidson | | | | like we're going to be launching them like rockets at |
| with a sigh.Gen. Turgidson | | | | Canaveral. Hell, they take off and land on a runway. I |
| It's New Mexico!Governor Bush | | | | don't know, maybe those eggheads know something |
| (yanks the inhaler away) | | | | I don't but if it's supposed to be so safe and regular, |
| What?!Gen. Turgidson | | | | what the hell do they need all that space for? I |
| I know. I found it hard to believe myself. They got | | | | thought they'd be sharing runways with |
| that Limey, you know, the guy that owns Virgin | | | | MIA.Governor Bush |
| Airlines. What's his name?Governor Bush | | | | Get to the point, General Turgidson, before those |
| Branson.Gen. Turgidson | | | | New Mexicans finish building the damn thing.Gen. |
| Yeah, that guy. What is he, a lord or | | | | Turgidson |
| something?Governor Bush | | | | Sorry, sir. Anyway, despite everything I've said, it |
| A knight.Gen. Turgidson | | | | ain't as bad as it looks.Governor Bush rolls his eyes, |
| Yeah, whatever. Seems he made a deal with New | | | | shakes his head, and sighs.Gen. Turgidson |
| Mexico to build the first spaceport for his Virgin | | | | We already got a runway! 10,500 feet of poured |
| Galatic. Talk about gall. Hell, Florida should be the first | | | | concrete right out in the middle of the goddamn |
| place to do that! Not New Mexico, for crisesakes! | | | | f***ing Everglades!Governor Bush |
| When was the last time they ever launched | | | | General Turgidson, must I remind you? This is not |
| somebody into outer space?Governor Bush | | | | the White House!Gen. Turgidson |
| Where is New Mexico?Gen. Turgidson | | | | I'm sorry, sir. I'll keep that in mind. I'm just so |
| Hell, Mr. President-- I'm sorry-- Sir, I had to look it up. | | | | gaw...darn excited about what I discovered. The |
| It's next to Texas!Governor Bush | | | | damn thing's been sitting there since the 1970's. |
| I thought I heard of it.Gen. Turgidson | | | | Seems Miami was going to build a Jetport to |
| Yeah, but that ain't the half of it. Texas is building a | | | | accomodate the new SSTs that were coming. |
| spaceport too!Governor Bush | | | | Because they were supposed to be so fu--freaking |
| What?!Gen. Turgidson | | | | loud, they built it way out in the Everglades so no |
| That's right, sir. They're building it on some guy's | | | | one could hear it take off and land. It's 36-miles west |
| ranch.Governor Bush | | | | of Miami, man-- I mean, sir! They got as far as one |
| My brother's?Gen. Turgidson | | | | single two-mile long runway before Congress killed |
| No, some guy named... | | | | the SST and a bunch of tree huggers killed the plan. |
| (whips out a notepad and starts reading from it) | | | | They still use it, Mr.-- Sir. For emergencies and pilot |
| Bezos. Jeff Bezos. He co-founded Governor Bush | | | | training, you know, touch-and-goes.Governor Bush |
| You gotta be freaking kidding me?Gen. Turgidson | | | | Are you trying to tell me in your own simple minded |
| I wish I was, Mr.-- Governor. But it gets | | | | way that I don't have to ask for money to build a |
| worse.Governor Bush | | | | runway?Gen. Turgidson |
| Should I be sitting down?Gen. Turgidson | | | | Well, I'm not sayin' it won't cost something-- maybe |
| You already are, sir.Governor Bush | | | | a few million dollars, ten tops. It doesn't have any |
| (sighs) | | | | lights and its got a critter problem.Governor Bush |
| Then go ahead. Let me have it.Gen. Turgidson | | | | A critter problem"?Gen. Turgidson |
| Oklahoma is building one too.Governor Bush | | | | Gators and the occasional deer get on the runway, |
| Oh, lord.Gen. Turgidson | | | | but that can be rectified at little or no cost, sir, when |
| Do you know where that is, sir?Governor Bush | | | | you compare it to what those New Mexicans are |
| (wearily waving his hand) | | | | going to have to shell out. Hell, Governor, with a little |
| Yes, yes, it's somewhere out west.Gen. Turgidson | | | | TLC, we can be launching civies in no time. Beat |
| (checking his notes) | | | | those New Mexicans at their own game.Governor |
| So is New Jersey, Nova Scotia, Scotland, and some | | | | Bush |
| place called Manus Island.Governor Bush | | | | (pausing, staring into space) |
| Where the hell is that?Gen. Turgidson | | | | I wonder how many mules it would take to get me |
| Somewhere off of Papua New Guinea.Governor | | | | and Columba's luggage out to their launch |
| Bush | | | | pad?General Turgidson is taken back. His eyes blink |
| You mean to tell me headhunters got the jump on | | | | uncomprehendingly as Governor Bush turns his chair |
| us?!Governor Bush grabs his inhaler, puts it over his | | | | slowly toward him.Governor Bush |
| nose and mouth, and takes a really deep | | | | I'm joking.General Turgidson |
| breath.Governor Bush | | | | Oh, hey, and a very good one too, sir.Governor |
| WHAWE | | | | Bush |
| STA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AND?Gen. | | | | General, before I leave office in January, I want that |
| Turgidson | | | | spaceport gap closed! Florida isn't going to get |
| Excuse me, sir. I didn't quite catch that.Governor | | | | bushwhacked by a bunch of New Mexican |
| Bush | | | | Johnny-come-lately rocket jockies. Kennedy had nine |
| (pulls the inhaler away) | | | | years to get to the moon. I'm giving you five |
| I said WHERE DO WE STAND?Gen. Turgidson | | | | months. I want Columba and me to leave office with |
| Well, sir, to put it bluntly, we have a spaceport gap. | | | | a bang, on the first regularly scheduled civilian rocket |
| We're working on it, but nothing is locked down yet. | | | | flight in the world-- from Florida. Do I make myself |
| Mr. President, if I may say so--Governor Bush | | | | clear?General Turgidson |
| (stopping in mid breath) | | | | (snapping to a salute) |
| What did you just call me?Gen. Turgidson | | | | Yes, sir!D.C. Copeland is a writer and award-winning |
| I'm sorry, sir-- Oh, why don't you just run for | | | | artist. When visiting Copeland's personal website and |
| President, sir, and get it over with. Your brother even | | | | blog you will discover that Wayne Cochran is the |
| says you'd make a great president.Governor Bush | | | | Patron Saint and that many people consider it to be |
| (slowly, patiently) | | | | "The Rodney Dangerfield of Blogs. |