| Due to increased fuel costs, airlines have been forced | | | | with one super-sized parachute. |
| to cut back on some amenities, and charge for some | | | | * $8 for peanuts in velcro-covered bags so they |
| services traditionally included in airfare. | | | | don't float away before you pull the ripcord. |
| In addition to some of these changes, this list also | | | | * Passengers who miss the airport parachute landing |
| includes some changes which, I have from reliable | | | | area will be charged $75 to get back into the airport. |
| sources, are sure to follow. | | | | * Passengers who's luggage is lost due to the gross |
| * $15 each way for the first checked bag, $25 each | | | | negligence of the airline, will get a free set of x-rays |
| way for the second checked bag. | | | | of their luggage so they can at least remember what |
| * $25 for x-raying the first bag, $35 for x-raying | | | | their luggage looked like. |
| each additional bag. | | | | * After some modifications to plane hatches, all |
| * $10 surcharge for x-raying bags over 2 feet in | | | | connecting flights will be done in midair, space-shuttle |
| height (since more electrons are used in the process). | | | | style. All those afraid of heights will be given neck |
| * $10 for copies of your bags' x-rays. | | | | braces to keep their heads facing up toward the |
| * $50 to have your bags' x-rays framed. | | | | constellation Cepheus. Why Cepheus? That's an extra |
| * $10 surcharge to have your bags' x-rays touched | | | | $10. |
| up so your clothes look more expensive. | | | | * No longer will waiting in a terminal building, after |
| * $50 penalty for leaning on the person next to you. | | | | being canceled or delayed, be free of charge. Sitting |
| If you know the person next to you, the penalty will | | | | will be ten cents a minutes. Standing will be three |
| be waved but you'll be charged a $50 fee. What's | | | | cents a minute. Bending over forward will incur a |
| the difference? One's a penalty, the other one's a | | | | surcharge of 75 cents. Bending over backwards will |
| fee. | | | | get you arrested as a suspected terrorist -- there's |
| * Since much fuel is consumed during takeoff and | | | | just no reason for anyone to bend over backwards. |
| landing, there will be a $50 landing fee. | | | | Will all this improve safety and performance? |
| * Those who opt out of the landing fee will have the | | | | Probably not. But the exra money will go toward |
| option to purchase a parachute for $500. Experienced | | | | other improvements which will help cut expenses |
| skydivers will have the additional option of renting the | | | | even further. For example, every cockpit will be |
| parachute for $25. | | | | equipped with a bar to cut down on the time wasted |
| * $100 for little pet parachutes. | | | | waiting for pilots to return to their planes. |
| * Families will be able to save by jumping together | | | | |